So the 4th of July is coming up this weekend. Ah, yes, the time of year when we (as Americans) feel the need to get all kinds of boozed up and play with Chinese explosives of all shapes and sizes. This year, take a few tips from a pro like myself to maximize your holiday experience.
1) Safety
Who needs it? Real men don't need protection from those panzi ass fireworks. Glasses / head wear just gets in the way or catches on fire which can really hinder your fun. Instead, all a person needs to do is drink drink drink!
Random Guy - "My arm is melting off!! I took a direct hit!!"
You - "Rub some dirt on it you pussy! Be a MAN and grab another beer!"
This is how a situation where a friend that had an "accident" should be taken care of. Don't baby the wounded as this is a man's sport and there is no room for the weak.
2) Know your limits
Limts? Shit. Men have no limits. No matter how much you’ve had to drink, you’re always ready for more. Keep that fresh in your head and you’ll go far in life.
3) What to get
Make sure you know what you want to use to celebrate your 4th of July weekend.
a) Firecrackes? Fuck that. Get seal bombs!
Piss on those little cheap ass firecrackers. Seal bombs are where it’s at. These things are ¼ sticks of TNT and are capable of blowing your hand right clean off. Be sure to get a few dozen of these bad bastards as they make for good practical pranks such as: Putting one in your friends back pants pocket, throwing one in an outhouse while someone is shitting, tossing one into a camper / vehicle and my all time favorite, the cram down a small animal’s throat and watch it explode prank. The last stated prank is an all time classic as it’s fun for the whole family!
b) Primer Cord
You want to see a good lightning show? Get as much as you possibly can of this stuff as its wicked fun. Get a big spool of this rad shit and cast it over power lines with a fishing pole. Light if off and you’ve got blue lightning, flaming / exploding transformer stations, ditches of flame (providing the weather has been dry enough) and one pissed off electric company. This is also a great way to show your neighbors who the real man of the block is.
c) Black powder
This one is for the kids. It’s just as fun as it is educational. Place one line about 1ft long of black power down on the ground for each kid you have in the immediate area. Once you have all the kids lined up at his / her line of powder, give them each a lighter and have them light off their line. Not only will it be a fun race to see whose line will burn off the fastest… it will also show the little tikes just how combustible sulfur, charcoal and potassium nitrate is!
d) Shotguns with Flare rounds
Those cheap ass roman candles don’t have shit on a 12 gauge that has five 3 ½ in. flare rounds inside of it. When you shoot one of your friends in the chest with one of these fuckers, he’s going to know it for sure. He’ll probably spontaneously combust into a ball of flames (providing he’s been drinking enough) and will have to be put out with the fire hose that you should always have nearby. Nothing says “I GOT YOU!” like a shotgun flare to the chest at point blank range. These also work well for crowd control on your block as well. If your neighbor is getting loud and obnoxious, just line up the firing squad keep shooting their direction until something catches on fire. They’ll take the hint.
e) Gas, gas and more gas
There can never be enough gas at your disposal. You cover something with gas and it will burn. It’s as simple as that. I don’t need to go into the possibilities of this magical fuel for there is no particular way of using it. Just use your imagination and find something that looks like it’ll be fun to set on fire (neighbors new car that is better than yours, that damn tree in your yard you hate so much, the wife’s stupid flower garden, ect) then go for it!
With these tips in mind, we here at Darkexile.com remind you to have a safe and FUN holiday weekend.
Just remember – “He who makes a beast out of himself gets rid of the pains of being a man.” – Dr. Thompson
Topic: Man and his need to celebrate his freedom. (Read 191 times)